Making My Way Back

I've been gone for a while. A place I'd hoped never to go to again. I've fought long and hard to stay here. In the relatively normal place that I live. And still I feel like a failure because even at my worst I can't completely go away. Now I understand that's for the best. I'm awful about posting because I have no time. No time just for me. I don't mean to sound whiney. I'm understanding now that I feel this need to be everything to all people. And I want that - to help everyone else. I nothing left for me though. Now I know I have to make/take time for me. This sounds so very pathetic even to me, so I'll get to the point. Soon will be the 3 year anniversary of the death of my brother. I was coping pretty well. Felt as though I was getting on top of some things. I got a phone call from my Dad this past Saturday. Of course when Dad calls it's not going to be pleasant. Someone has died, or is hurt. He began to tell me. My sister. Hospitalized. Catatonic. Manic Depressive. God. Here we go again. I can't do this again. I can not and I will not. William was the alcohol. My sister is the drugs. Please God don't let me have to do this again. I can't lose my sister too. I remember wishing I had been an only child. Do you know there are worse things than being dead? She has started to come back. The doctors don't know how far she'll make it back. I'm strong. I'll stay strong. I'll make it. But I can't do this again. I don't want the 3 a.m. phone calls from her crying out for help. How bad a person does that make me? I don't want the 8 a.m. phone call saying she's dead. I can't have her even coming to visit me right now. I have so much on my plate I can't fit a single thing more. I can't see through the pain. Isn't it enough now? When the fuck will it be enough?
C is going to start school in June. He's away this weekend riding roller coasters (all expenses paid - he has a lovely friend). Only six months and he'll graduate. Please that we make it until then. I had a break down because of the stress. He's supposed to be here with me now, but how could I make him miss this? He's never had anything really "cool" in his live - this is VIP treatment. I won't deny him that. I hope I don't sound bitter about this - I'm NOT. The man works so hard. But I want to go hold my great nephew. I don't have anyone to pay my expenses though. I would never ask Mom & Dad for the money. Beside I've gotten so fat now I only fit in one pair of jeans. What would I wear? That sounds so trivial, but think about it. I have three pairs of dress pants, one pair of jeans and one dress I fit. Well. Welcome to my pity party for me. I felt so sad when I started writing this. Apparently it's the best thing I could have done. Butch Walker playing on the media player and me whining. I suddenly don't feel quite as bad, not so down. It will come back though. Hopefully I'll be able to express myself better. Now it's C's brother M's band playing. "Slippin' Away" is the name. Free association at it best here!
I've posted a picture of my great nephew. He was 4 lbs, 4 oz. When he was born. Now he's up to 7 pounds! I'm making a baby blanket for him - crocheting the blanket. I hope it comes out nice.
OK I may be back for more later.
Blessings