3 weeks ago
Monday, May 30, 2005
Monday, May 23, 2005
Awake
It is 1:58 a.m. by my computer clock. I'm awake. Apparently Saturday night I took both the meds the "head" Doctor prescribed for me and slept from 1:30ish Saturday night until 7:30 p.m. Sunday. Won't be doing that again! One of the meds is supposed to help me think more clearly. It does that, I think. Apparently it knocks me on my butt when it done though! The kitties are up and awake with me too. Playing. They are so funny! I can't really see them, because I only have the light from the computer, but I can hear them playing and "yelling" at each other. I so glad I have them. More accurately they have me, I suppose. I just got done eating two bowls of cereal. I'm starving! I had a toasted turkey sandwich when I woke up. The only reason I woke was because Charles got home from his 'coaster weekend. I honestly thought it was 7:30 a.m. when I finally woke. He kept ringing the phone until I came around. I had (of course) put the chain on the door, as well as having both the bolts thrown. If it hadn't been for the chain he could have gotten it. I had so many plans - the least of which was to be looking pretty for him! As it was I was unshowered, my hair in a mass of tangles, and naked. OK, honestly, he did enjoy the naked part! It was really only, what 1 day apart? He left Friday afternoon and got back Sunday (today?) at 7:30. But, oh my. How beautiful he looked to me! He got a shower and his hair! The most gorgeous curls! Perfect spiral ring curls. Waves near the top, close to his head. Can I just say - YUM! OK, I'm drifting into "to much information." Sorry!
Now for more things I have learned. I live way to far away from work. People ask me why I don't move closer. So many reasons: It more expensive in VA than it is in MD. There is a tax one has to pay on one's cars (and we have two) when one moves to VA, not mention the cost of moving itself. We have an excellent deal where we're living and I don't think anyplace else could beat it. We could try to move closer to VA but stay in MD, but I think that's about as expensive as living in VA itself. And the lamest reason (or should it be excuse for this one) after driving back and forth on the beltway five days a week the last think I want to do is drive it again looking for places to live. I don't think realtors will help with apartment looking either. I'd almost be willing to do that. Give someone an idea of our price range and what we're looking for, let them find a few and go look at the weekend. Where we are now our electric, water, garbage, everything is included in rent. We pay phone and cable. And we have the "babies" too. I won't go anywhere that we can't take them. We pay a pet fee from them and that's fine. With that included we're just over $900 a month. Trust me - it's a deal. Having said all that - I haven't worked at all this past week. I'm not sure how to put this in words exactly. I guess what it is, is that I have no time. I work a 40 hour week. Yes, I know most people do. But I have an approximately 2 hour drive on average. That four hours on the road. That's half most people's work day, yes? I've been skipping my lunch hour, but with that I have a nine hour day. But for honesty purposes, without that hour I'm already away from home 12 hours. It takes me about an hour, hour and a half in the morning to wake up, take a shower, get dress, made up (when I do), and all that other good stuff. So now we're at 13 hours in things that just involve work! For me to be able to function I really need eight hours of sleep. So we have a 24-hour day, yes? I have 21 hours accounted for now. That leaves me 3 hours for me, Charles, the babies. I have to eat when I get home from work, that takes 1/2 hour. Then there's just "wind down" time when I get home. And let me tell you, the drive is horrendous! That's a normal day. Keep in mind, sometimes I have overtime. Sometimes the drive is more than and hour, hour and a half. Some days it's two hours there, two hours home.
I never planned to live here forever. And yes, just having finally written this out and seeing it in purple and white (giggle), I see I really need to make some sort of change. I love my job, but I may have to look for something closer to home. I absolutely must make at least what I making now though. Otherwise we won't make it financially. We were behind before I missed a week of work. So either find something closer to here (and hope I don't HATE it), or move closer. But the output of cash for moving closer will be quite a bit, I'm afraid. I dunno. I do know I will figure it out. One way or another. OK, it's 2:30 a.m. now. I'm gonna try to sleep.
Blessings!
Now for more things I have learned. I live way to far away from work. People ask me why I don't move closer. So many reasons: It more expensive in VA than it is in MD. There is a tax one has to pay on one's cars (and we have two) when one moves to VA, not mention the cost of moving itself. We have an excellent deal where we're living and I don't think anyplace else could beat it. We could try to move closer to VA but stay in MD, but I think that's about as expensive as living in VA itself. And the lamest reason (or should it be excuse for this one) after driving back and forth on the beltway five days a week the last think I want to do is drive it again looking for places to live. I don't think realtors will help with apartment looking either. I'd almost be willing to do that. Give someone an idea of our price range and what we're looking for, let them find a few and go look at the weekend. Where we are now our electric, water, garbage, everything is included in rent. We pay phone and cable. And we have the "babies" too. I won't go anywhere that we can't take them. We pay a pet fee from them and that's fine. With that included we're just over $900 a month. Trust me - it's a deal. Having said all that - I haven't worked at all this past week. I'm not sure how to put this in words exactly. I guess what it is, is that I have no time. I work a 40 hour week. Yes, I know most people do. But I have an approximately 2 hour drive on average. That four hours on the road. That's half most people's work day, yes? I've been skipping my lunch hour, but with that I have a nine hour day. But for honesty purposes, without that hour I'm already away from home 12 hours. It takes me about an hour, hour and a half in the morning to wake up, take a shower, get dress, made up (when I do), and all that other good stuff. So now we're at 13 hours in things that just involve work! For me to be able to function I really need eight hours of sleep. So we have a 24-hour day, yes? I have 21 hours accounted for now. That leaves me 3 hours for me, Charles, the babies. I have to eat when I get home from work, that takes 1/2 hour. Then there's just "wind down" time when I get home. And let me tell you, the drive is horrendous! That's a normal day. Keep in mind, sometimes I have overtime. Sometimes the drive is more than and hour, hour and a half. Some days it's two hours there, two hours home.
I never planned to live here forever. And yes, just having finally written this out and seeing it in purple and white (giggle), I see I really need to make some sort of change. I love my job, but I may have to look for something closer to home. I absolutely must make at least what I making now though. Otherwise we won't make it financially. We were behind before I missed a week of work. So either find something closer to here (and hope I don't HATE it), or move closer. But the output of cash for moving closer will be quite a bit, I'm afraid. I dunno. I do know I will figure it out. One way or another. OK, it's 2:30 a.m. now. I'm gonna try to sleep.
Blessings!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Getting Better All the Time
OK deep cleansing breath now. I'm coming back to myself. Aside from all the uproar with my family there has apparently been quite the uproar going on within myself as well. I'm on my way to sorting things out now. I'm overweight - well, I'll do just one small thing for now. I've lost weight before and kept it off, but since I've moved here my routine is so very different from how it used to be, I've lasped. Wicked. I'll take things slow (again). For now, instead of soda (I'm way into Cherry Coke!) It'll be water. That's my one small thing. And then I'll find another small thing, whether it's my weight, my self esteem, or anyone of the other thousand things that got out of hand, instead of the "bad" things snowballing, I'm going to get some good things rolling. If there was ever any doubt (and there never was) I love Charles more than I ever had or ever thought was possible to love anyone. And oh, I'm so loved by him. I can honestly say I feel cherished. This man, this very true man has stood beside me, behind me, and sometimes in front of me, when needed, through all of this mess. Love, respect, honor, devotion, there isn't a word for the way I feel about this man.
I've always wanted to be "ahead" of myself I think. Couldn't wait to be older. Well, I think I've been rushing again. I had been preoccupied with the Crone. As though I am anywhere near being able to claim that - wisdomwise I mean. I'm certainly close enough in age, giggle! But, yes, I was identifying, I believe, with the physical features (my vision, anyway) of the Crone. And while I believe I'll be letting my hair go to it's natural dark brown flecked with gray and embracing evermore of my inner Crone - I AM NOT OLD! Did you hear me, Miss Molly Jane? And when I am old (whenever that may be) - what of it? Old does NOT mean fat, or out of shape, or bad habits for the love of all the stars in the sky!
I've always wanted to be "ahead" of myself I think. Couldn't wait to be older. Well, I think I've been rushing again. I had been preoccupied with the Crone. As though I am anywhere near being able to claim that - wisdomwise I mean. I'm certainly close enough in age, giggle! But, yes, I was identifying, I believe, with the physical features (my vision, anyway) of the Crone. And while I believe I'll be letting my hair go to it's natural dark brown flecked with gray and embracing evermore of my inner Crone - I AM NOT OLD! Did you hear me, Miss Molly Jane? And when I am old (whenever that may be) - what of it? Old does NOT mean fat, or out of shape, or bad habits for the love of all the stars in the sky!
--- WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR THE FOLLOWING NEWSFLASH ---
It is 11:20 p.m. now, here in the city (city for me anyway) of Laurel, MD and I just heard a BIRD CHIRPING!!!! How beautiful is THAT? And talk about a sign!
--- WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG ---
I have to stop thinking there is some magic number of age that will make me feel I am myself. What the heck is wrong with being me NOW. Right here, right now, as I live and breathe. One of the things that helped me lose weight before is applicable to any/everything. Don't wait until you've (lost weight, got the right clothes, have the perfect job, insert your own challenge here) to start living your life. What am I waiting for?
Friday, May 20, 2005
Making My Way Back
I've been gone for a while. A place I'd hoped never to go to again. I've fought long and hard to stay here. In the relatively normal place that I live. And still I feel like a failure because even at my worst I can't completely go away. Now I understand that's for the best. I'm awful about posting because I have no time. No time just for me. I don't mean to sound whiney. I'm understanding now that I feel this need to be everything to all people. And I want that - to help everyone else. I nothing left for me though. Now I know I have to make/take time for me. This sounds so very pathetic even to me, so I'll get to the point. Soon will be the 3 year anniversary of the death of my brother. I was coping pretty well. Felt as though I was getting on top of some things. I got a phone call from my Dad this past Saturday. Of course when Dad calls it's not going to be pleasant. Someone has died, or is hurt. He began to tell me. My sister. Hospitalized. Catatonic. Manic Depressive. God. Here we go again. I can't do this again. I can not and I will not. William was the alcohol. My sister is the drugs. Please God don't let me have to do this again. I can't lose my sister too. I remember wishing I had been an only child. Do you know there are worse things than being dead? She has started to come back. The doctors don't know how far she'll make it back. I'm strong. I'll stay strong. I'll make it. But I can't do this again. I don't want the 3 a.m. phone calls from her crying out for help. How bad a person does that make me? I don't want the 8 a.m. phone call saying she's dead. I can't have her even coming to visit me right now. I have so much on my plate I can't fit a single thing more. I can't see through the pain. Isn't it enough now? When the fuck will it be enough?
C is going to start school in June. He's away this weekend riding roller coasters (all expenses paid - he has a lovely friend). Only six months and he'll graduate. Please that we make it until then. I had a break down because of the stress. He's supposed to be here with me now, but how could I make him miss this? He's never had anything really "cool" in his live - this is VIP treatment. I won't deny him that. I hope I don't sound bitter about this - I'm NOT. The man works so hard. But I want to go hold my great nephew. I don't have anyone to pay my expenses though. I would never ask Mom & Dad for the money. Beside I've gotten so fat now I only fit in one pair of jeans. What would I wear? That sounds so trivial, but think about it. I have three pairs of dress pants, one pair of jeans and one dress I fit. Well. Welcome to my pity party for me. I felt so sad when I started writing this. Apparently it's the best thing I could have done. Butch Walker playing on the media player and me whining. I suddenly don't feel quite as bad, not so down. It will come back though. Hopefully I'll be able to express myself better. Now it's C's brother M's band playing. "Slippin' Away" is the name. Free association at it best here!
I've posted a picture of my great nephew. He was 4 lbs, 4 oz. When he was born. Now he's up to 7 pounds! I'm making a baby blanket for him - crocheting the blanket. I hope it comes out nice.
OK I may be back for more later.
Blessings
C is going to start school in June. He's away this weekend riding roller coasters (all expenses paid - he has a lovely friend). Only six months and he'll graduate. Please that we make it until then. I had a break down because of the stress. He's supposed to be here with me now, but how could I make him miss this? He's never had anything really "cool" in his live - this is VIP treatment. I won't deny him that. I hope I don't sound bitter about this - I'm NOT. The man works so hard. But I want to go hold my great nephew. I don't have anyone to pay my expenses though. I would never ask Mom & Dad for the money. Beside I've gotten so fat now I only fit in one pair of jeans. What would I wear? That sounds so trivial, but think about it. I have three pairs of dress pants, one pair of jeans and one dress I fit. Well. Welcome to my pity party for me. I felt so sad when I started writing this. Apparently it's the best thing I could have done. Butch Walker playing on the media player and me whining. I suddenly don't feel quite as bad, not so down. It will come back though. Hopefully I'll be able to express myself better. Now it's C's brother M's band playing. "Slippin' Away" is the name. Free association at it best here!
I've posted a picture of my great nephew. He was 4 lbs, 4 oz. When he was born. Now he's up to 7 pounds! I'm making a baby blanket for him - crocheting the blanket. I hope it comes out nice.
OK I may be back for more later.
Blessings
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
