I'm Tired

I'm tired and I'm tired of being tired. I'm so frustrated with trying to get this weight off. Soon I have another ultrasound and maybe this time they'll see something. Dr's. keep saying they can feel a huge fibroid, but then on the ultrasound they don't see it. All my blood work comes back in the normal range. I'm not normal though, lol. Seriously though, I'm not. My fevers are low. If I have a 99 degree temp I'm honestly in a bad way. In many ways I'm doing much better. I think I'm just a little down today. My stomach is so distended. One day maybe I'll take a picture. One Dr. said the fibroid was the size of a 24-week pregnancy. I look like I'm due any day. Well, the journey continues.

Hurt Feelings

I'm not sure why I'm so hurt. I blame Facebook though, lol. And that's probably about all the humor that's going to be in this post. All I want to say as some background is I love to learn about other cultures, religions, points of view, etc. I don't always agree, but I think it's important to learn and know as much as one can. I'm such a caring/nurturer. I love and live to help people. I don't lie. I'm so very not perfect - no one is and I don't think I'd much like a perfect person. Point being I try. So, big reveal: I'm Pagan. Nothing fancy, certainly nothing satanic because I don't even believe in that. Not wiccan, just Pagan. I believe EVERYTHING has a soul. I believe in a dual Deity (God and Goddess). I believe in taking care of Mother Earth, taking care of animals, ourselves and each other. This isn't going to be a lesson, absolutely not going to be proselytizing.

Here’s the problem. I grew up in a very small town. Less than 90 people in our graduating class. Lots of drugs. Lots of teen pregnancy. Lots of alcohol use. I avoided the pregnancy by not having sex. (I was 19 when I did.) Anyhoo. High school felt so divided to me. There were the college kids, the cool kids and the rest. It was cruel as most high schools are. (I was very quiet, but most people knew me because, well, I knew the dealers.) But everyone knew everyone. So I grew up on a dirt road with basically four other families. Each family (one family was my aunt & uncle) had a daughter my age. One got married in high school (not pregnant), one got pregnant and married in high school. I’ve known these people all my life. So fast forward to now. And STUpid Facebook. The one who got preggers and married is STILL married to the same man. I think it’s wonderful. I am truly happy for them not to mention proud whether I have a right to be or not. Her (grown) daughter had surgery today and yesterday on Facebook, as people do, she asked her “sisters in prayer” to pray for her daughter. I said I would pray too. I meant “too” as in I wasn’t sure if she had a prayer circle or something and as I’m not a member of that I just wanted to let you know I’m praying too. NOT in an I’m Pagan but I’ll pray anyway, kind of way. Then today I asked (on Facebook) for an update. She posted a new ‘thread’ that her daughter should be out of surgery, hopefully home and please pray not in too much pain. And here’s the thing: “...thank you in advance my brothers and sisters in Christ!” It made me cry. I figured out (with help from my love) it was because I felt left out. Am I just wrong? We’ve always been the “black sheep” family. I’ve never fit in anywhere much. Undoubtedly not there. (That’s why I got out and moved away.)

And now for the meanness oozing from my pores:  All of these people, who in high school, drank and drugged and had sex with everyone (although NOT this one I’m talking about. I mean she had sex obviously, but ONLY with one person – her long time boyfriend.) are now card carrying republicans and so very, very Christian. And that’s fine, but they act as though they never did any of this. I don’t know. You tell me. Am I a bitch? Should I feel hurt? Why do I care?

Going On's

I've been crocheting like a fiend lately! I'm really enjoying it. The change of meds seems to really be helping. Well, except for the pesky not sleeping thing. Actually that's getting a bit better too. I'm in nesting mode, I guess. Loving to create, wanting to make my house a home. Figuring out what style(s) I love. And then trying to figure out how to afford it! Overall feeling pretty good. Very content. I used to think "content" was synonymous with settling. I don't feel that way anymore. OK, not much going on really, but I wanted to check in. I'll try to post more later. A little sooner anyway!