Checking In

What a wild and stormy night! The kitties hate the wind and thunder and lightening. I'm hoping we don't lose power.

Tonight I have to do a pulse/ox study. Then tomorrow I have an appointment with the sleep Dr. Hopefully I'll get to lose the oxygen. Fingers crossed!

I'm keeping up with the exercising. So far I've been losing at a very slow, but steady pace. The meds have been changed and I think I'm doing pretty well with them. Still have a lot of panic attacks. No rhyme or reason as far as I can see. But at least the hallucinations have slowed.

Ack power OUT!

Meh

I am having "that day." The crash day. I believe the last time I posted was the 7th. I was so full of energy. So I wasn't sleeping. I got stuff DONE. I cleaned, I exercised, I created. Now it's over. I don't know what happened. I feel wide awake and pretty good. But I can't do anything. I can see a million things that need to be done, that I want to do. And I don't know where to start. I don't know how to start. This is just run of the mill overwhelmed, or not sure exactly what to tackle first. Or procrastination. I literally can't do it. My hands shake. My body shakes. What if I make the wrong choice. Of course, rationally I know there is no wrong choice. But the feeling tells me there is and it matters very much. It's not the first time this has happened. I'm actually a little proud because I'm writing right now. There was a time I wouldn't have been able to do that. So, progress?

Dr. and I are changing my meds again. The hope is still there. I know there isn't a pill (or many pills) to make me better. But they can help. It's just trial and error to find the right one(s). And that stinks.

Oh well. I'm going to look at the positives right this second. I made tea. I've taken ALL my meds currently for the day. I've written. I called my sister. Ack! New guilt. Today is one of my great-nephew's birthday. I didn't even send a card. I HATE that I'm like this now. I used to be the card sender. The rememberer of everything. And the thing that really matters is not that I forget things. It's that my nephew(s) don't know how much they matter to me. How much I love them and miss them. It's not the card or a gift that matters. It's being there. Now - well that's enough of that. Maybe, just maybe I'll empty the dishwasher.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I have no idea when this will get posted as I have no internet connection currently, but its 9:25 a.m. as I start writing this. I didn’t get much sleep last night (more on that later) but the remarkable thing is as of 9:00 a.m. I had accomplished almost everything I had set out to do today. It won’t sound like much to the, shall I say, average person, but for me it’s pretty freaking amazing. I’ve exercised, cleaned toilets, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher have a load of laundry going and have given the furbabies attention. They’ll get lots more attention throughout the day, but still. And no matter how much they get, it’ll never be enough for them, gigglefit!

I’ve always been big on saying if you don’t like the way things are change them. I used to be really good at it. Actually, if I’m honest, originally I sucked at it! Victim be thy name. And then, one day, I got it. That whole, "you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results." I realized the only person I can change is myself. So, I grew up, put on my big girl panties and went about it. Then, I lost my mind. Pretty much literally. Bad things ensued. I may, or may not go into them one day. Nutshell: left husband, came back, left again, moved to DC, met a man, moved to MO and found out I’m pretty much bat shit crazy. (NAMI can punt. I’m nuts and I can call myself what I want.) Diagnoses: PTSD, major depression, anxiety, and dissociative disorder. I think that’s it. It’s certainly enough. Oh, fugue states too. Occasionally catatonic. That led to meds, of course. I was pretty lucky I guess. Only ended up in the crazy house once due to meds being wrong for me. (Oh, and I’m sure I’ll talk about THAT episode here one day.) One of my meds causes weight gain. I really didn’t think my body could get this big. The fact that I’m pretty much not stable enough to go out (alone) I stopped walking. That added to the weight gain. Duh. Add stress eating. And let’s not forget my diverticulitis that pretty much excludes anything healthy and good for me in my diet. I’m also one of the 2% of the population that’s allergic to artificial sweeteners. So, as I’ve said I also have high blood pressure, diabetes, fibroids, etc. Well, Dr. and I decided it was time to get off the weight-gain causing med. It’s not going real well. I can’t sleep. Well, I sleep about two hours.

So I’ve said all that to say this: I didn’t think I would do anything today. I had big plans, was so excited for this day – yesterday, that is. Then I didn’t sleep. I figured that was it. I even gave myself permission to not do anything. And then I remembered: Victim. Nope. Done with it. I stared exercising yesterday. Nothing’s going to change if I don’t change it. Sure, it’s good to be kind to oneself. Give yourself a break. But not everyday. That’s where I was. Everyday there was a reason not to do it, whatever “it” was. Sure, I can think of thousands of things I didn’t do and might not do. But I’m doing the things that are important to me. And right now my health is priority. I’ve got to exercise. No excuses. I’ll keep you posted!

Back Again

Wow. Once again it's been awhile. Where does time go? I can testify time flies weather you're having fun or not! What's been going on? I'm on disability now. One goal is to get off of disability. I have high blood pressure, diabetes, an incredible amount of weight gain (thank you meds and depression) fibroids and maybe, just maybe I'm in menopause. Sweet. Good times. You've got to laugh. I've (we've) also moved from Jackson to Benton, MO. Bought a car. I have a total of three great-nephews! I've just started exercising today. Actually figured out the wii myself. I'm so proud. So, now I've messed around so long I've got to go. I'll keep you posted. Seriously.