My car was just repossesed. I am pretty much in shock. You know how everyone thinks it can't happen to them? Well I was "them." It happened. Of course, a lot of things I didn't think could happen to me have. Usually more bad than good. Or is it that the good things are so much easier to forget? And if so, why? I'm not a bad person. Maybe if I say that enough times I'll actually start to believe it. I'm not lazy, or stupid. I am ashamed. I have made bad choices. I'm embarrassed. I won't let this defeat me. I've cried all morning. There are more tears to be shed. But just now I'm numb. I need to learn. I need to do better. I will do both. I don't know if I can ever repay my creditors. Not really. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll have to file bankruptcy. Does it matter that I want to get a good job and be an asset to society? Am I not an asset now? I know things mean nothing. I know it's not about possessions. You learn that very fast when your house burns down while you're at work and your parents and brother are in the house when the fire breaks out. Yes, they got out. My brother only to die 20 years later. I guess it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. I've got to be the person I am, and strive to be the person I want to be. The person I will be. I'm in a hard situation right now. That can no longer be an excuse. Because while the car was being taken away, actually while I was cleaning it out, I realized that I am the only person I can rely on. I am the only person who can get what I need, who can do what I do. I'll never make the mistake of relying, and perhaps even trusting, anyone again. Ever. But I will rely on myself. I will trust myself. Always. It doesn't mean I won't be kind, that I won't care about people. I don't think I could do that, even if I wanted to, and I don't. But if I had listened to my heart, or my head, or my intuition, or my gut - this wouldn't have happened. And if other people don't like what I have to say or do, that's just going to be too bad. It's time to do what I need to do in order to be me. I have to live inside this head. It's time to start doing what I know is right. It's time to start living authentic.
Be Well,
Faeth
3 weeks ago
