Meh

I am having "that day." The crash day. I believe the last time I posted was the 7th. I was so full of energy. So I wasn't sleeping. I got stuff DONE. I cleaned, I exercised, I created. Now it's over. I don't know what happened. I feel wide awake and pretty good. But I can't do anything. I can see a million things that need to be done, that I want to do. And I don't know where to start. I don't know how to start. This is just run of the mill overwhelmed, or not sure exactly what to tackle first. Or procrastination. I literally can't do it. My hands shake. My body shakes. What if I make the wrong choice. Of course, rationally I know there is no wrong choice. But the feeling tells me there is and it matters very much. It's not the first time this has happened. I'm actually a little proud because I'm writing right now. There was a time I wouldn't have been able to do that. So, progress?

Dr. and I are changing my meds again. The hope is still there. I know there isn't a pill (or many pills) to make me better. But they can help. It's just trial and error to find the right one(s). And that stinks.

Oh well. I'm going to look at the positives right this second. I made tea. I've taken ALL my meds currently for the day. I've written. I called my sister. Ack! New guilt. Today is one of my great-nephew's birthday. I didn't even send a card. I HATE that I'm like this now. I used to be the card sender. The rememberer of everything. And the thing that really matters is not that I forget things. It's that my nephew(s) don't know how much they matter to me. How much I love them and miss them. It's not the card or a gift that matters. It's being there. Now - well that's enough of that. Maybe, just maybe I'll empty the dishwasher.