Ch-ch-ch-changes

I have no idea when this will get posted as I have no internet connection currently, but its 9:25 a.m. as I start writing this. I didn’t get much sleep last night (more on that later) but the remarkable thing is as of 9:00 a.m. I had accomplished almost everything I had set out to do today. It won’t sound like much to the, shall I say, average person, but for me it’s pretty freaking amazing. I’ve exercised, cleaned toilets, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher have a load of laundry going and have given the furbabies attention. They’ll get lots more attention throughout the day, but still. And no matter how much they get, it’ll never be enough for them, gigglefit!

I’ve always been big on saying if you don’t like the way things are change them. I used to be really good at it. Actually, if I’m honest, originally I sucked at it! Victim be thy name. And then, one day, I got it. That whole, "you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results." I realized the only person I can change is myself. So, I grew up, put on my big girl panties and went about it. Then, I lost my mind. Pretty much literally. Bad things ensued. I may, or may not go into them one day. Nutshell: left husband, came back, left again, moved to DC, met a man, moved to MO and found out I’m pretty much bat shit crazy. (NAMI can punt. I’m nuts and I can call myself what I want.) Diagnoses: PTSD, major depression, anxiety, and dissociative disorder. I think that’s it. It’s certainly enough. Oh, fugue states too. Occasionally catatonic. That led to meds, of course. I was pretty lucky I guess. Only ended up in the crazy house once due to meds being wrong for me. (Oh, and I’m sure I’ll talk about THAT episode here one day.) One of my meds causes weight gain. I really didn’t think my body could get this big. The fact that I’m pretty much not stable enough to go out (alone) I stopped walking. That added to the weight gain. Duh. Add stress eating. And let’s not forget my diverticulitis that pretty much excludes anything healthy and good for me in my diet. I’m also one of the 2% of the population that’s allergic to artificial sweeteners. So, as I’ve said I also have high blood pressure, diabetes, fibroids, etc. Well, Dr. and I decided it was time to get off the weight-gain causing med. It’s not going real well. I can’t sleep. Well, I sleep about two hours.

So I’ve said all that to say this: I didn’t think I would do anything today. I had big plans, was so excited for this day – yesterday, that is. Then I didn’t sleep. I figured that was it. I even gave myself permission to not do anything. And then I remembered: Victim. Nope. Done with it. I stared exercising yesterday. Nothing’s going to change if I don’t change it. Sure, it’s good to be kind to oneself. Give yourself a break. But not everyday. That’s where I was. Everyday there was a reason not to do it, whatever “it” was. Sure, I can think of thousands of things I didn’t do and might not do. But I’m doing the things that are important to me. And right now my health is priority. I’ve got to exercise. No excuses. I’ll keep you posted!