Sister

I finally got to go home. It's been too long. I need my mountains. They are part of me. Charles got to go with me and we a wonderful time. I'll write more about it another time. This post is about my Sister. One would be hard pressed to find sisters more different. She is of medium height (I'm short, 5 ft.), she has hazel eyes (mine are blue) her hair is auburn (when it's natural!), with all shades of brown, red and blond - she's currently a reddish/blonde (I have a mousy dark brown - currently a brownish/black), she is thin (I'm thick). She's always been a bit of a mystery to me. I've always been a bit in awe of her. She was/is the pretty one. Until she was in her 30s (I believe - it may have been earlier than that) she had beautiful, long, virgin hair. At one point she wanted to cut it, but the lady that did our hair refused. I was always cutting, bleaching, coloring. Now I want to be a natural as I can be, and she does everything with her hair. When she was a senior in high school I think I saw her about 3 times. Every guy I had a crush on she dated, then dropped. She never wanted kids, but has two and is now a grandmother (I prefer Goddessmother, I'm not sure what she prefers). I always expected to have children and have none. I was always the "good girl." She the rebel. I assumed I would live near my parents and she would move away - probably to a city somewhere. She lives across the road from my parents, I moved first to Binghamton, NY and now to Laurel, MD - right outside of Washington DC. I never thought she noticed me, except as the occasional annoyance. There was a time I would "hang" at her house, but we were never really close. Again, I've always been in awe of her.

Just recently I was sure I would lose her. I felt it in my bones, just as I knew I'd lose William. When William died, at the funeral, when everyone was leaving I looked up and saw her looking at me. We'd not even really spoken before that - each of us lost in our own pain, trying to come to terms with this thing that had happened to our brother, ourselves, our family. I think we moved toward each other simultaneously. We hugged and cried. There were no words. There was no need. We knew it was just "us" now. Sisters. No longer "siblings" - not two sisters and a brother. Just sisters now. It was at once the most beautiful and exquisitely painful feeling I've ever had. I finally had my sister. I'd never have my brother with me again. I remember people watching. Everyone had been moving toward their cars. Suddenly all movement ceased. They watched us. I think our feelings were tangible. I believe I would have lashed out at anyone who would interrupt. You understand - I can't lose my sister now, I'd just found her.

She's been diagnosed manic/depressive. Our brother was manic/depressive. She had a break with this life. (I refuse to call it reality - who knows was reality really is?) She went very far away. I didn't think she could come back. I didn't know if she wanted to. After our moment life went on. I found my mind. I packed up and moved out and on. Left a marriage of 20 years. Found a love I never knew could exist. And, if I'm going to be honest - and I insist on honesty for myself - tried to distance myself from them. I didn't want any more drama. Couldn't take losing anyone else. Take me away from all this death. I wasn't able to go to her when "it" happened. My parents (or maybe just mother) thought it best that I wasn't there. She had so much happening in her life then and now - very few of them are good. Again, life went on. A few months passed. I assumed she never thought of me. Why should she? I'm not there. It seems I've never been there, not just when the bad things happen, but the good as well.

And then I went home. We had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at my niece's (my sister's oldest child) house. I can't remember if it was that night, or the next that we went to my sister's house. We talked. We laughed. Then she said she had made a CD for me. She put it on and said, "This is your song. This is for you." I listened. I sobbed. I never knew. I love you too, Sister, thank you.

Nixons - Sister

Here I am again,
Overwhelming feelings
A thousand miles away
From your ocean home
Part of me is near

Thoughts of what we were invade
The miles that stand between
We can't separate
You're all I hoped you'd become

Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you

Fleeting visits pass
Still they satisfy
Reminders of the next
Overshadow goodbye
And our flames burn as one

Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you

All I am begins with you
Thoughts of hope understood
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true

Here we are again saying goodbye
Still we fall asleep underneath the same sky (You're all I see you)
You're all I knew you'd become

Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you

Entwined, you and I
Our souls speak from across the miles
Intertwined, you and I
Our blood flows from the same inside

Half of me, breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
I see you, I feel you
When I close my eyes
I see you walking there...I see you dancing in my mind