Happiness

So, I wrote a post about how I usually only post when I’m upset or blue. Then I hit “publish.” Poof! Gone. Ah well. I’ll try to recreate it. I went to reheat my coffee last night and realized how happy it made me to have a microwave above my stove. I’ve only ever had counter-sitters. And then I realized how lucky I am to be able to reheat a cup of coffee that I made so easily from my automatic coffee pot. So many things we don’t even think about during our day. I believe I was very lucky in my upbringing. I lived in the house my father grew up in. Mom and Dad were slowly bringing it up to date. (They had it there just before it burned to the ground.) I remember a ringer-washing machine. I remember a wood burning stove. We had a coal furnace and if we were away from home long enough the house would be freezing when we returned. There was no heat in the second floor of the house. Frost would form on the windows – inside! Dad would take some bricks, put them in the coal furnace to heat them, then wrap them in newspaper and put them at our feet at night to help keep us warm. I suppose this should make me feel old, or perhaps poor. But it doesn’t. It makes me feel blessed. Lucky. I still have a tendency to want EVERYTHING and want it NOW. But I try to remember. Really, I have everything now. We live better today than the richest and most royal lived as recently as the early 1900s. I’ll try not to get into what I think the reasons are:  commercials that show couples in their 20s living in a 2000 square foot house with three wings. Television where first time home-buyers have $1,000,000 to spend. Where even the “poor” people have money enough for clothes, hair, nails. Well, that’s a rant for another day. I’m supposed to be about thankfulness and happiness. We have a tree outside our bedroom window and at night I can see the silhouette of the branches and leaves. It’s especially nice when there’s a breeze and it moves so gently. It rained today and the sound of the rain on the roof was so relaxing. Except for the kitties! They hate it, gigglefit. Puppy ran and hid under the blankets. That makes me happy too. I hate he was upset, but it was cute as can be.  Of course right now I can’t remember what I wrote earlier, but I’ll make it a point to put down my memories and my happiness. Be well!

A Little Blue

So now they tell me I have a fibroid. I’m not sure how much info is TMI so I’ll keep it vague. Apparently it is “huge.” That is a direct quote from the Doctor. “Six by something by something.” Another quote. I’ll try to get the exact dimensions. I’ll probably have to have a hysterectomy. First she’s going to try a shot to see if it will shrink enough to remove the fibroid without major opening me up surgery. I won’t say she’d rather remove it vaginally. I hate that word, so I won’t say it. That was my lame attempt at humor.  My point to all of this is now I know I can, and will never have children. Yes, I’m too old now anyway. Don’t get me started on women having babies into their 60s and even 70s. In my opinion that’s just selfish. But I digress. I am a Daughter of DES. I’ve had miscarriages. The ex-husband didn’t want children. Most of the time I didn’t want them. I think. I’ll never know how much was his input and how much was my feelings. I imagine if I had been with someone else I would have had kids. The choice has been taken away from me. There were a million reasons not to have children and it’s probably best I never did. But it’s that choice thing. I’ll carry on. Be well, all.

I'm Tired

I'm tired and I'm tired of being tired. I'm so frustrated with trying to get this weight off. Soon I have another ultrasound and maybe this time they'll see something. Dr's. keep saying they can feel a huge fibroid, but then on the ultrasound they don't see it. All my blood work comes back in the normal range. I'm not normal though, lol. Seriously though, I'm not. My fevers are low. If I have a 99 degree temp I'm honestly in a bad way. In many ways I'm doing much better. I think I'm just a little down today. My stomach is so distended. One day maybe I'll take a picture. One Dr. said the fibroid was the size of a 24-week pregnancy. I look like I'm due any day. Well, the journey continues.

Hurt Feelings

I'm not sure why I'm so hurt. I blame Facebook though, lol. And that's probably about all the humor that's going to be in this post. All I want to say as some background is I love to learn about other cultures, religions, points of view, etc. I don't always agree, but I think it's important to learn and know as much as one can. I'm such a caring/nurturer. I love and live to help people. I don't lie. I'm so very not perfect - no one is and I don't think I'd much like a perfect person. Point being I try. So, big reveal: I'm Pagan. Nothing fancy, certainly nothing satanic because I don't even believe in that. Not wiccan, just Pagan. I believe EVERYTHING has a soul. I believe in a dual Deity (God and Goddess). I believe in taking care of Mother Earth, taking care of animals, ourselves and each other. This isn't going to be a lesson, absolutely not going to be proselytizing.

Here’s the problem. I grew up in a very small town. Less than 90 people in our graduating class. Lots of drugs. Lots of teen pregnancy. Lots of alcohol use. I avoided the pregnancy by not having sex. (I was 19 when I did.) Anyhoo. High school felt so divided to me. There were the college kids, the cool kids and the rest. It was cruel as most high schools are. (I was very quiet, but most people knew me because, well, I knew the dealers.) But everyone knew everyone. So I grew up on a dirt road with basically four other families. Each family (one family was my aunt & uncle) had a daughter my age. One got married in high school (not pregnant), one got pregnant and married in high school. I’ve known these people all my life. So fast forward to now. And STUpid Facebook. The one who got preggers and married is STILL married to the same man. I think it’s wonderful. I am truly happy for them not to mention proud whether I have a right to be or not. Her (grown) daughter had surgery today and yesterday on Facebook, as people do, she asked her “sisters in prayer” to pray for her daughter. I said I would pray too. I meant “too” as in I wasn’t sure if she had a prayer circle or something and as I’m not a member of that I just wanted to let you know I’m praying too. NOT in an I’m Pagan but I’ll pray anyway, kind of way. Then today I asked (on Facebook) for an update. She posted a new ‘thread’ that her daughter should be out of surgery, hopefully home and please pray not in too much pain. And here’s the thing: “...thank you in advance my brothers and sisters in Christ!” It made me cry. I figured out (with help from my love) it was because I felt left out. Am I just wrong? We’ve always been the “black sheep” family. I’ve never fit in anywhere much. Undoubtedly not there. (That’s why I got out and moved away.)

And now for the meanness oozing from my pores:  All of these people, who in high school, drank and drugged and had sex with everyone (although NOT this one I’m talking about. I mean she had sex obviously, but ONLY with one person – her long time boyfriend.) are now card carrying republicans and so very, very Christian. And that’s fine, but they act as though they never did any of this. I don’t know. You tell me. Am I a bitch? Should I feel hurt? Why do I care?

Going On's

I've been crocheting like a fiend lately! I'm really enjoying it. The change of meds seems to really be helping. Well, except for the pesky not sleeping thing. Actually that's getting a bit better too. I'm in nesting mode, I guess. Loving to create, wanting to make my house a home. Figuring out what style(s) I love. And then trying to figure out how to afford it! Overall feeling pretty good. Very content. I used to think "content" was synonymous with settling. I don't feel that way anymore. OK, not much going on really, but I wanted to check in. I'll try to post more later. A little sooner anyway!

Checking In

What a wild and stormy night! The kitties hate the wind and thunder and lightening. I'm hoping we don't lose power.

Tonight I have to do a pulse/ox study. Then tomorrow I have an appointment with the sleep Dr. Hopefully I'll get to lose the oxygen. Fingers crossed!

I'm keeping up with the exercising. So far I've been losing at a very slow, but steady pace. The meds have been changed and I think I'm doing pretty well with them. Still have a lot of panic attacks. No rhyme or reason as far as I can see. But at least the hallucinations have slowed.

Ack power OUT!

Meh

I am having "that day." The crash day. I believe the last time I posted was the 7th. I was so full of energy. So I wasn't sleeping. I got stuff DONE. I cleaned, I exercised, I created. Now it's over. I don't know what happened. I feel wide awake and pretty good. But I can't do anything. I can see a million things that need to be done, that I want to do. And I don't know where to start. I don't know how to start. This is just run of the mill overwhelmed, or not sure exactly what to tackle first. Or procrastination. I literally can't do it. My hands shake. My body shakes. What if I make the wrong choice. Of course, rationally I know there is no wrong choice. But the feeling tells me there is and it matters very much. It's not the first time this has happened. I'm actually a little proud because I'm writing right now. There was a time I wouldn't have been able to do that. So, progress?

Dr. and I are changing my meds again. The hope is still there. I know there isn't a pill (or many pills) to make me better. But they can help. It's just trial and error to find the right one(s). And that stinks.

Oh well. I'm going to look at the positives right this second. I made tea. I've taken ALL my meds currently for the day. I've written. I called my sister. Ack! New guilt. Today is one of my great-nephew's birthday. I didn't even send a card. I HATE that I'm like this now. I used to be the card sender. The rememberer of everything. And the thing that really matters is not that I forget things. It's that my nephew(s) don't know how much they matter to me. How much I love them and miss them. It's not the card or a gift that matters. It's being there. Now - well that's enough of that. Maybe, just maybe I'll empty the dishwasher.